Stop Everything You’re Doing, and Observe Carefully the Numbers
by Mark Budman
Start with the lowly zero, the number you’ve always thought of as nothing.
0, with its rounded corners, inviting, beckoning, is actually a vagina. 1 is the obvious phallic symbol. 3 is either female breasts or buttocks. 10 is heterosexual, and 11 and 00 are homosexual sex. 100 is every young man’s dream. 1000 and more is a harem. 1010101 is a polyamorous date. A string of zeroes or ones are respectively lesbian or gay bars.
2 , 4, 5 and 6 are advanced yoga poses.
As for sexual positions, you need to go to exponents. 01 is missionary. 10 is the woman on top. 13, 1⊇ 0 or 0^0 are kinky, but 69 needs no explanation. For those of us who have been married, 1+0 is a male/female and 1+1 and 0+0 are same sex.
1≠0 is a sad family where the partners are not equal. 1=0 is a harmonious family. 1± 0 is the relationships are more or less okay.
Superwoman and Superman? It’s obviously ∞ (infinity) and 1! (factorial), respectively.
∫ (integral) or let alone ∮(contour integral) or ∰ (closed volume integral) come straight from Kamasutra. Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, the polymath who developed calculus independently of Newton, knew that.
No wonder some of the brightest among us (though maybe anemic and with pale skin) become hedge funds managers, accountants, math teachers and auditors. Now, you know their darkest secrets.
Mark Budman was born in the former Soviet Union, and English is a second language for him. His writing appeared in Five Points, Guernica/PEN, American Scholar, Huffington Post, World Literature Today, Daily Science Fiction, Mississippi Review, Virginia Quarterly, The London Magazine (UK), McSweeney’s, Sonora Review, Another Chicago, and elsewhere. He is the publisher of the flash fiction magazine Vestal Review. His novel My Life at First Try was published by Counterpoint Press.