Directions: Take one a day, with food. Do not discontinue medication unless directed by a doctor.
Side effects may include: Weariness. Apathy. Headaches that worsen with light and sound. Anxiety on Sunday mornings. Fear when you see your mother’s name on your phone. Waking up in bed, not remembering when you lay down or closed your eyes. Understanding what your cat may be going through as she cruises through life in her half-drowsy state.
If you experience any of the following severe (but rare) side effects, discontinue medication and seek emergency care immediately: Vomiting. Binge eating. Inability to cry. Refusal to connect with friendships from the past. Running away from responsibility and intimate relationships. Waking up in the middle of the night with an anvil stuck in your lungs, realizing everyone you love is suffocating in the abyss and struggling for salvation, on a high-speed electric train thundering through an exitless tunnel, a winged cherub with eight eyes tied against the dead-end wall. If you’re worried about them, don’t. You are on the train with them.
How this medication works: This medication is categorized under the You-Couldn’t-Keep-the-Faith class of drugs. The medication helps you suffer from all the terrible choices you made to get you here. Avoid interactions with other drugs in this class, which includes: You drank on New Year’s Eve and forgot where you were. You woke up to the sound of someone tearing open a condom wrapper. You found the man who was once your friend lying on top of you. You told the doctor afterward that of course, it wasn’t rape, it was rough sex, just the way you like it. You just weren’t ready to have a baby right now.